Do you love him?
by Cookiemonster311
Summary: Meredith makes a realization at the Jolex wedding, thanks to Amelia. What will she do with these new feelings, and what will happen because of them? Will she simply get over it, or will she crash and burn? One-shot. No real ship. Possible spoilers for season 14 finale.


**Author's note: This is my Merlex vision of what could've happened at Jo and Alex's wedding. Keep in mind this is just my Merlex loving heart chasing at fairy tales, even though I liked the episode. Some spoilers, so if you haven't seen the season 14 finale, you probably shouldn't continue reading. Try and enjoy, and if you don't, please no hate.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of it's characters.**

Meredith wasn't happy. She wanted to be, she really did, but she just wasn't. Everyone around her seemed to be bursting with joy, and she simply couldn't find that feeling within herself. And even though she knew she wasn't happy, she didn't know how she really felt.

She was standing alone at the refreshment table, starting early with the alcohol and definitely not going slow with it. Then again, DeLuca was already quite tipsy, and Meredith had been there longer than him. Rolling her eyes, Meredith wrapped an arm around herself while the other brought the glass to her lips.

Taking in the scene around her, she couldn't deny that April had done an excellent job with the wedding. There were flowers everywhere, but they were still subtle. The yellow flowers reminded her of April's sunny attitude, and she wondered if she had thrown some of her own wedding wishes into this. The trees were a deep green that balanced the bright colours of the flowers and some of the guests' dresses. This place had an old rustic feeling to it, but it still felt new and beautiful. Meredith looked around at the other people and saw smiles on almost all their faces. This made her feel worse, because she should be smiling like that too, not standing here in isolation dreading the coming ceremony.

Just before her mind wandered too far away, Jackson and Maggie walked past her, their arms connected. She still hadn't gotten used to them as a couple, but it didn't bother her. She offered a polite smile that Maggie didn't see, but Jackson returned it. There was a quick second that he gave her an odd and curious look, but that was it and he continued walking to wherever Maggie was leading him.

Draining her glass, Meredith turned to refill it, not caring if there were any judgmental eyes on her. She kept thinking about what happened back at the house this morning, how Jo had received the opportunity to have a fellowship at Mass Gen. Meredith was happy for her because she truly deserved it, but the thought of it made her sad. Because she knew that if Jo left for the fellowship, Alex would go with her, and she couldn't handle that. They were the only two left, and it couldn't just be her. She wished she could ask Cristina what to do, but she hadn't been answering her texts or video calls lately. She knew she was on her own for this.

Turning back towards the open space, Meredith took a long sip of her drink. She looked around just as Amelia began to approach her. She wasn't in the mood for her sister but went with it when she started asking where everyone was and talking about Owen being a GPS… or something. She stared at the wedding cake as it passed them, her stomach churning at the sight of it. Amelia looked at her with a concerned expression.

"Meredith, you okay?"

Meredith looked at her and didn't have it in her to lie. So, she confessed that she wasn't. "No. I feel less okay than I've been for a long time." It was hard to admit, but it was the truth, even if she didn't know why. She always insisted that she was fine, that she was going to be okay, but right now, she didn't know if that was true.

Amelia stared at her for a split second with a worried expression before her face lit up, but Meredith wasn't sure if it was in a good way or a bad way. Her jaw dropped, and her eyes went wide. "Oh my God I knew it!"

Genuinely confused, Meredith had to ask what she was talking about. The next words that came out of her sister's mouth made her heart stop.

"You're in love with Alex!" Meredith glared at her, but Amelia kept talking. "It's okay, I am not judging I've suspected it for years but it's kind of a bad day for the revelation."

Meredith knew she wouldn't shut up unless she interrupted, so that's exactly what she did. She didn't need Amelia and her crazy theories getting into her head, especially not today. She was not in love with Alex, but she wasn't sure if anything she said would convince Amelia of that.

"Amelia, stop talking."

Right away, Amelia kept talking about it in a hushed voice, as if she was beyond certain Meredith had feelings for Alex – which she didn't.

"Right, because someone might hear and that would be _really_ bad." There was a sarcastic edge to her voice that Meredith didn't appreciate, but it was somewhat true. The last thing she needed was for people to think she had a thing for Alex on his wedding day. The day she knew he was so excited about because he loved Jo so much.

Choosing to hit her where it would hurt, Meredith decided to attack Amelia on her feelings for Owen that weren't so well hidden. She didn't get the chance though because her sister cut her off mid sentence.

"No because I'm not harbouring any secret feelings – "

"Are you sure about that?" Amelia asked, raising an eyebrow. Meredith was speechless. She really didn't know what to say. Sure, there's been times she thought about Alex in that way, wondered what things would be like if anything ever happened with them, but those thoughts were always temporary. They never stuck around long enough for her to worry that she might actually have feelings for her best friend. But she knew that she didn't, so it wasn't a big deal. Despite that though, what Amelia was saying really got to her, and she wasn't sure why.

She tried to say something but couldn't get the words out. She knew this was only making Amelia more sure of what she had said being true, but she just couldn't seem to say anything.

Lowering her voice into a barely audible whisper, Amelia spoke again. "Look, I know he's your best friend, or person or whatever, but if you really do love him, it's too late. You can't say anything to him now. You may not have even realised it until now, but that doesn't matter. He's getting married, he loves Jo. And I know he loves you too, but not in that way."

Meredith had tears in her eyes because she knew Amelia was right, even though she refused to admit to anything. The urge to run away and hide grew stronger with her next words. "Even if you don't know it, I do. I told you, I've been suspecting it for years. You may not think you love him, but you do. I see the way you are with each other, and if I was you I would love him too. But I'm not, so I can see this in ways you can't. And you need to listen to me when I say this; if you love him, you won't tell him. You'll shut up about it and forget about those feelings. Okay?"

Once again, Meredith couldn't say anything. It wasn't until now she realised she _did_ have feelings for Alex. She didn't know if she loved him, but she did like him. A lot. Looking back and meeting Amelia's gaze, Meredith's stomach hit the floor. Her sister was right and that killed her, because knowing this meant she would have to sit through the wedding without getting up and leaving or breaking down in tears.

Sensing her distress, Amelia hugged her tight and rubbed her hand up and down her sister's back. Pulling away, she brushed at Meredith's face.

"Okay, when the ceremony starts you're going to go out there, and watch your best friend get married. You're going to be happy for him, no matter how much it hurts. You'll smile, say congratulations, and you'll give them both a hug. You will watch in silence and act just like everyone else. And if at the end of the night you just can't stand to be here, come get me. I'm a better liar than you, so I'll come up with a reason why we both have to leave, and when we get home you can cry on my shoulder. But you have to try, okay?"

Meredith nodded her head even though she didn't quite catch everything Amelia said. Just then April came over to them, cheery as ever.

"Jo and Alex are just about ready, so if you want to go get a seat they'll be out in a few minutes." She left just as quickly as she came, practically skipping towards the next set of people she was going to inform of the latest development.

Turning back to Amelia, Meredith smiled. "Let's go."

Amelia nodded, and they walked over to where Owen was, and they all headed to get a seat. Zola and the kids were playing with Sofia, so they wound up sitting with Arizona for the ceremony. Meredith was okay with this, so she sat next to Amelia. They had waited a few minutes before grabbing a seat, so they were sitting a few rows back, maybe three of four from the front. Yesterday Meredith would have insisted on sitting in the front row, but right now she would have preferred to be sitting all the way at the back. Alex was already up in front of everybody, so the music started playing and everyone stood.

Meredith watched as Jo made her way down the aisle, a huge smile on her face. She felt her heart twinge but covered it up with a smile when Jo looked her way. Following her figure with her eyes, she couldn't help the pain she felt in her chest. She tried to ignore it though, thinking about how happy Alex looked right now. This didn't exactly rid her of these feelings, but it did help.

The ceremony flew by and the next thing Meredith knew they had been pronounced husband wife and were walking up the aisle together. Meredith was sitting at an end seat so when they passed her, Alex paused to give her a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek. She smiled and squeezed his shoulder, and then he was gone. Feeling a hand on her shoulder, Meredith leaned back into her sister and watched as everyone started piling out of their seats. She stood still for a few moments before she finally moved, allowing everyone behind her to get out of the row of chairs.

Knowing she needed to act like everything was fine, Meredith went ahead with Amelia and started doing post wedding ceremony things like telling the wedding planner it was beautiful, getting a drink and congratulating the couple. Meredith skipped out on that last one, hoping Alex wouldn't notice. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. About half an hour later, when Meredith was talking to April, Alex approached. April smiled and waved, then left to go see Matthew. It was weird, them being together again, but it was cute and it worked.

"Hey there," he greeted, a smile on his face. She smiled back at him and he gave her hug that she awkwardly returned. When he pulled away from her, he looked worried and concerned. "I didn't see you after the ceremony. Is everything okay?"

She kept smiling even though it wasn't real. She should have known he would figure out something was going on, she just hoped that he wouldn't. Because of that, she hadn't thought of what she would say if he were to ask questions. Her silence clearly told him something was wrong, as he took her hands in his and sat down on the chairs that few people still occupied. He waited to see if she would say something, but her voice was caught in her throat and she stayed quiet.

"Meredith, what's wrong?"

She cleared her throat, allowing her voice to be used again, and retracted one of her hands to push some hair out of her face. "Nothing, I'm fine. Just not feeling too well, that's all."

Alex nodded, but the look on his face said he didn't believe her. He chose not to push it any farther though, knowing if she wanted to talk she would be. He pulled his hands away from hers and stood up, and she followed the action. He smiled his usual Alex smile and put a hand on her shoulder. "If you need anything, or you want to talk, just let me know okay? Just because I got married doesn't mean I'm going to stop being your person."

His final words twisted Meredith's heart into a ball of pain and she forced a smile. "Thanks, Alex." Not sure of what to do next, she let Alex finish this off. It didn't help that he chose to do this by giving her one of those hugs he always gave her when he knew she was sad. What made it worse was that he kissed her temple and said, in a low voice, "I love ya, Mer."

Closing her eyes, she gave him a quick squeeze before replying. "I love you too, Alex."

As they both pulled away, smiles were given to the other and Meredith made a gesture toward the rest of the party. "Go, be with Jo. I'll see you later." He put his hands in his pockets before smiling and walking away. She watched him as he left and fought the tears that were forming in her eyes, because she knew that when he said he loved her, he didn't mean it in the way she did; and he would never know that. Hell, she didn't even know it herself until an hour ago.

Sitting back down, Meredith took in a deep breath and looked around. Everyone seemed to be smiling, and many were dancing as the band started to play. She wished she could be happy like the rest of them, but knew no matter how hard she tried, she just wouldn't. Unlike this morning after arriving, she knew what she felt that wasn't happiness. What she was feeling was a combination of love, sadness, regret and, even still, a little bit of denial.

Seeing everyone in such a good mood didn't help, but when her eyes found Amelia, she felt a little better. Her sister excused herself from the conversation she was having with Richard and walked over to Meredith, sitting down next to her.

"Hey, how ya doing?" she asked as she placed a hand on Meredith's shoulder. She shrugged, honestly not knowing what the answer to that question was. Amelia bit her lip and nodded her head. She looked over her shoulder, then back at Meredith.

"I saw Alex come over here a minute ago. How was that?"

Meredith knew she was trying to make sure that she didn't do or say anything stupid, which was kind of annoying, but she still told her.

"It was fine. He just wanted to know if everything was okay… If I was okay – which I am." Amelia looked at her with narrowed eyes, clearly sensing that she hadn't told her the whole truth, that there was more to that brief story.

"What else happened? It's obvious that he said something that's bothering you."

Meredith shook her head and laughed, though nothing about this was funny. "He hugged me and said, 'I love ya'. I told him I loved him too, but he didn't know I meant it in a different way, and I didn't tell him that either."

Wrapping an arm around her, Amelia sighed. "I'm proud of you, Mer. I really am. You did the right thing. And if you want to go home, I can go and work my magic."

Laughing again, Meredith shook her head. "No, it's okay. I'm good to stay for a while. But if I change my mind I promise I'll come find you." Amelia smiled at her, gave her a quick hug, and got up and left. Meredith stood too and watched as the bride and groom stepped out to have their first dance.

She couldn't say it didn't hurt to see this, but deep inside she was still happy for Alex. As much as she was going to miss having him around, having him to herself, he deserved this. He deserved to be happy, and Jo made him happy. Therefore, she was happy – even if she really wasn't.

Looking around at all the couples holding on to each other, talking, exchanging glances and touches, she felt like a part of her life was empty now. Because even though she had lost Derek, before she had at least had Alex. And she still did, just not in the same way. She didn't feel the same way about him either. Letting out a long sigh, Meredith let a few tears escape, seeing as there was no one around. She quickly wiped them away though, moving to join everyone else.

As she approached the makeshift dance floor, she stood at the edge like everyone else and watched the first dance come to an end. People began to flood the dance floor as a more upbeat and energetic song started playing, while Meredith found a bench behind her and a few feet to the right. And as she watched everyone having fun, her own kids running around and dancing with Sofia, she couldn't keep those sad feelings away. But that was okay, because she would get over it. She managed to get over Derek, right?

Pushing down any thoughts or feelings about Alex, Meredith was surprised to find a hand extended in front of her. Looking up to see who it was, she was even more surprised that it was Jackson. She gave him a questioning look as she took his hand. "You looked sad, sitting over here all alone. I think we should fix that by dancing. Besides, Maggie's out there with Dr. Webber right now, so I don't have a dance partner either."

Meredith smiled at him and they walked out to the dance floor together. And as they started moving to the music, laughing at each other's huge lack of dancing skills, Meredith caught sight of Alex and Jo laughing while slow dancing to this fast, upbeat song. Bringing her gaze back to Jackson, she did her best to forget about them and about the feelings she only just realised she had. And as she goofed around with him, soon joined by Arizona and Maggie, she knew everything was going to be okay.

Everything was changing, but that didn't mean anything bad. She would get over these feelings she had for her best friend, and even if she didn't, she knew he would remain a constant in her life. And right now, that was all she cared about.

 **A/N: Sorry if you guys didn't like it, it was just something I had floating around in my head after watching the episode. I want to hear what you guys think, so either drop a review with constructive criticism or just let me know if you liked it. Happy fanficing!**


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